


That one time Robert rode a demon out of his best friend's soon to be ex-husband

by Chiwibel



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Based on the cult content that was cut from the game, Blood, Death Rituals, Demon Hunters, Demonic Possession, Divorce, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, F/M, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Inappropriate Humor, M/M, Not AU, Not Canon Compliant, Past Relationship(s), Platonic Relationships, Reconciliation, Trashfiction
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-10-27
Packaged: 2018-12-05 21:35:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11586642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chiwibel/pseuds/Chiwibel
Summary: Remember when we snuck into the churchAnd stole some wine from the basementWell.The basement is not a basement.Pick up you piece of shit.Please pick upPick upRobert Small I swear to god.





	1. he doesn't know what humor is anymore so it's fine

**Author's Note:**

> Those tags make this piece of crap look like something worth reading but do NOT be fooled.
> 
> This is shit.
> 
> Also, no smut planned despite what the title might led you to believe. But Joseph/Robert is the endgame if I manage to write that, even if the focus is on the friendship and the unconditional support the Christiansen family and Robert deserve. Also, some supernatural shit because I can.
> 
> Also, I'm so glad the main character doesn't end up in a happy relationship with Joseph. Like, really glad. It's not something you see in relationship centered games.
> 
> And if I read an excuse starting with IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE FROM A NARRATIVE STANDPOINT I'm going to scream.
> 
> These assholes deserve happiness and I want to give it to them in a package made of terrible plot and horrible jokes.
> 
> ALSO, apologies for my English, it's not my first language.

It’s 3 AM.

His pone rings. He doesn’t answer. Too tired.

It keeps ringing.

Robert wakes up.

12 missed calls, all from Mary.

30 unread messages.

Hey nerd.

Joseph’s gone.

No, really.

I can’t find him.

No one knows where he is.

Even if he was with you

Which wouldn’t be anything new

He’d at least write back.

The next message is from almost forty minutes later.

Remember when we snuck into the church

And stole some wine from the basement

Well.

The basement is not a basement.

Pick up you piece of shit.

Please pick up

Pick up

Robert Small I swear to god.

(PHOTO RECEIVED)

She found me ;)

Robert gets up and runs, barely getting dressed.

 

* * *

 

  

He should have known better, thought Robert admonishing himself. When Mary told him she was skipping drinking night to watch over the children, he should have known something was very wrong.

 

She’d told him about wanting to change and stuff, about sobering up and even looking for the nearest support group unrelated to church duties.

 

“I’ve even practiced my AA speech”, Mary said drinking from her third glass of wine that night, her voice loud enough to be heard above the rest of Jim and Kim’s clientele, “Hello, I’m Mary Restingbitchfacesen and I’ve been drinking and neglecting my own kids since my husband started neglecting and cheating on me with everyone, even my best friend, who’s also a neglecting son of a bitch and my only drinking buddy”.

 

He’d laughed, because she’d been drinking for far longer than that.

 

Robert drove past the speed limit, careless about anything but reaching his destination as soon as he could. The church was close to the cul-de-sac, so in mere minutes he was parking in front of the entrance road.

 

The main doors were closed shut but going around the building revealed the backdoor completely opened.

 

He ran in, immediately going into the basement.

 

Voices could be heard holding a conversation, if by conversation one meant a cheap villain monologue while the victim tries to escape.

 

A deeper version of Joseph’s voice spoke nonsense at the end of a dark hallway as Robert got close enough to hear Mary whimper and insult him. In that moment, Robert realized it would have been a good idea to call the cops or an ambulance or whatever. He wasn’t sober enough for that and time was running short, so he got a knife out of his leather jacket and kicked the door open.

 

A room barely lit by candles greeted him. Joseph was standing in the middle of it holding a knife, his knife, the one he’d given to Mary months ago, over Mary’s trembling body on the floor. She was bleeding from the side.

 

Beneath them was what looked like a circle drawn in blood, from the looks and smell of the substance.

 

Joseph was smiling.

 

“Rob! I’m so glad to see you join us tonight”, his voice was all wrong, as if something else was speaking from the inside of Joseph’s body.

 

“Run!”, Mary cried, barely able to move from the pain. Joseph kicked her, making her scream. Just as Robert was ready to pounce at him, he waved a finger in front of his face.

 

“Ah-ah, no sudden movements, my friend”, Joseph said, “or else both Mary and Joseph will pay”.

 

Huh.

 

“You’re batshit insane, Christiansen, let her go”.

 

“Indeed, the mind of our friend Joseph is not completely alright, but we make do”.

 

“What the hell are you talking about?”.

 

At first, Robert thought it was the light that made Joseph’s eyes look weird but upon further inspection he realized they had neither iris nor pupil. He took a step forward, noticing how Joseph’s smile fell from his face.

 

“No. Sudden. Movements”, he whispered, turning the knife not towards Mary but himself.

 

“Put that down, Jo”.

 

“Put _yours_ down”.

 

He did. Robert let his knife fall to his feet and raised his hands. Joseph lowered his arm and walked towards him, stepping over Mary’s hand on the way. Robert cringed.

 

“You know”, Joseph said, smiling and setting his hands all over Robert’s shoulders and back, “I’ve enjoyed looking at this body in the mirror as much as Joseph enjoyed you for an entire night, but maybe it’s time for me to get a new host”.

 

“I think it’s time for you to eat shit and die”.

 

“Oh, Rob, such a dirty mouth you ha- Argh!”.

 

Mary, who had reached for the knife on the floor, stabbed him under his knees. Joseph fell with Robert over him straddling his middle. He’d put his hands around Joseph’s throat while Mary crawled to sit at their side.

 

“What now?!” cried Robert, forcing Joseph to stay put.

 

“ _Let us go_!”

 

“You’re not going to like my idea”, said Mary. Before Robert could speak, Mary reached for Joseph’s neck and grabbed a necklace hanging from it. It had the same pattern of his tattoo carved in a piece of steel. Then, she cut Robert’s hand, right in the middle of the ink on his skin, while holding it in place.

 

Robert complained but did nothing to stop her, too busy containing Joseph under him. He almost missed how the carving started burning once it got in contact with his blood. Joseph, or something else, something inhuman, let out an infernal shriek of pure pain.

 

Between Robert and Mary, they managed to held Joseph’s trashing body in place until the carving was nothing but ash.

 

Joseph breathed in.

 

* * *

 

 

Mary sent him a message seconds later Joseph woke up in the hospital, three days later.

 

Damien and himself took turns taking care of the kids, cooking for them, driving them to school and whatnot. Lucien seemed to enjoy helping the twins with their homework and even Val appeared once or twice to look after her father because _you barely take care of yourself, and now four kids?_

 

He’d take whatever he could with her, as one didn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.

 

That day, it was Damien’s turn, so he could go directly to the clinic.

 

On his way, he wondered if he should have bought flowers or a Get Better Soon card, he’d seen one with the shit emoji inside and considered it appropriate for the occasion.

 

Empty handed, Robert made his way to the Christiansen’s room.

 

“Hey there, nerd”, Mary greeted him, looking as good as she could be after being stabbed by her apparently possessed soon to be ex-husband, if he texts from previous days were to be believed. She was sitting next to the bed were Joseph had been resting until Robert appeared.

 

“Hey…”, Joseph said with a raspy voice. He also looked as good as he could after stabbing his soon to be ex-wife while possessed by a demon (or Mothman). He had highly noticeable bags under his red eyes, unable to hide the fact he’d been crying before.

 

“You guys look like shit”.

 

“We feel like shit”, said Mary.

 

Joseph laughed.

 

Robert let himself appreciate the sound and believe that things were going to be fine.

 

Even if they totally weren’t.

 

 

 


	2. The one with the anticlimax in the second chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An anticlimactic end for the beginning of this story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Relationships are complicated. Parenting is complicated. Exorcisms? Not so much, apparently.
> 
> Trigger warnings for possible slut shaming, mentions of cheating and alcoholism. Joseph and Mary don't know how to deal with each other and yet try to support their strained relationship because they have 4 kids together and, really, there's a reason they got together in the first place besides their names. Just because they're breaking up doesn't mean they stopped caring for each other.

It isn’t 3 AM.

But close enough.

He can’t sleep.

He writes.

Hey nerd

Wake up

Im outside

Imma honk

We’re going we’re going

Hold your horses.

We???

* * *

 

It was weird being out with Mary without drinks nor noise nor the drunken buzzing in the back of his head.

 

It was weirder being out with Mary in a cemetery.

 

“Damien says it’s relaxing”.

 

“Relaxing my ass”, said Robert.

 

“You’re not wrong”, added Joseph.

 

Mary lost her shit and almost fell from the back of his truck laughing like a madwoman. Robert snorted.

 

Being out with Mary _and Joseph_ in cemetery was the weirdest.

 

There was a Jesus joke waiting to be made but Robert was so not going to go there.

 

Also, it wasn’t _the_ weirdest thing he’d done. There was that one time he tried to date a guy that only spoke in rhyme and always wore mismatched socks. Or not. He he’d been drunk for most of that week so his mind could have been playing games on him.

 

In any case, there they were.

 

“I should do this by myself”, Joseph started saying, shoulders down and a heavy frown on his face.

 

“Don’t take this the wrong way, darling”, said Mary, meaning that he should totally take it the worst way possible, “but last time you dealt with this shit on you own, you stabbed me and almost stole Robert’s ass”.

 

“Meh, it’s nothing he hasn’t had before”, said Robert taking a sip from the beer can he obviously hadn’t brought along with him because they needed to be sober for this. The beer can was a lie.

 

Mary tried to snatch it from his hand with no success.

 

“I wasn’t myself”, Joseph whispered. He did that a lot since he was released from the hospital. Mary took his hand and Robert kept his mouth shut in sympathy.

 

It hadn’t been easy, knowing the man they both had shared a bed (and more than just that) hadn’t been himself for a long time. How much had been real? How much hadn’t?

 

It had been more difficult, though, to accept the fact that it hadn’t been that long and that he slept with Robert out of his own free will, just like he had with many other people. While dealing with demons and possessions seemed like too much for their sober selves, blaming an unknown entity for Joseph’s sins was the easy way out they felt they needed.

 

They were wrong, of course. To err is human, they said.

 

Still, he signed the divorce papers as soon as Mary brought them to his hospital bed. No complaints, just contained tears.

 

In Robert’s opinion, which he kept to himself because it wasn’t his place to tell, it was a rushed deal from her part. And yet, she had a point. Could they just go back to living together after all of this? Mary confessed, before Joseph had woken up, that she’d been having nightmares about the thing looming over her, knife in hand, ready to strike.

 

Robert gave her his spare key and made her promise to seek help and company. Not much else could be done, it’s not like they could blame Joseph for being a prisoner in his own body.

 

What they could blame each other for was for being a neglecting piece of shit and a cheating son of a bitch. At least, those were their words before Robert and Damien had to break them up whenever someone brought up the issue of what to do with the kids. Four kids. One of which was a baby.

 

He really didn’t want to think about that now. Not ever.

 

“Are you sure this is the place?”, asked Robert, changing the subject.

 

“Yeah, I keep seeing flashes of the mausoleum when I close my eyes. It’s got something to do with all of this”, Joseph said. He was still holding Mary’s hand and, with his other arm, clutching an old backpack that carried holy water, a couple of crosses and the Bible. And a salt shaker that had LOST written on its front, if Robert remembered correctly.

 

“I’d suggest we call the professionals”, said Mary, “but you are supposed to that in this case”.

 

“Is it really that hard to google for the nearest exorcist hotline?”, Robert joked humorlessly.

 

“Oh, no, Robert dear”, Joseph answered in kind, “we’re pretty expensive and so not worth it. But if you refer us to a friend, you’ll probably get a coupon for a free home cleansing”.

 

“I’m sure he has something else for you to cleanse”, said Mary, gaining an exasperated look from her company, “I mean your di-“.

 

“Yes, darling, we know what you meant”, Joseph interrupted her before letting go of her hand and standing up, “let’s do this shit”.

 

“Oh, pastor, do you pray with that mouth?” Robert teased, following his lead alongside Mary.

 

“No”, answered Joseph, “I kick demon ass with this mouth before my consciousness realizes what I’m about to do and my super ego stops me from probably doing something really stupid and almost dying. Again”.

 

“Go team”, Mary deadpanned. Robert raised a fist to the sky, not feeling it at all.

 

* * *

 

Robert had seen enough shitty horror movies to know that this, three adults communing with the dead, was either going to end with a serial killer appearing out of nowhere or Mothman also appearing out of nowhere.

 

Probably not, because Mothman wasn’t real.

 

But either case would’ve been rad.

 

The interior of the mausoleum was dark, the inner lights not needing to function outside their work schedule. AT least they all had flashlights, and it wasn’t like they could just ask the grave keeper to help them banish a creature from Hell. At least, Robert supposed he would try to kick them out like he’d kicked Robert when he tried to look for cryptids last week.

 

The Dover Ghost could go fuck itself.

 

“How did you manage to get a demon anyways?”, asked Mary.

 

“Amazon had this _amazing_ deal- Ouch, Robert!”.

 

“If the last thing I hear before dying is another bad joke from you, Christiansen, I swear to God-”.

 

“Robert!”, Joseph cried before Mary clasped a hand over his mouth.

 

“- That I’ll make our time in Hell make you wish you could die to go to another Hell”.

 

“I really don’t think it works that way”, said Mary, releasing Joseph.

 

The pastor pouted, “it doesn’t. And I found about the ritual in a book someone left at my office. And before any of you questions why would I ever read such nonsense and think it was a good idea-”

 

“You came home some nights ago stinking of cheap church wine, Joseph”, said Mary, “I remember because we both got home at the same time from our respective nights of indulgence and parental irresponsibility. This little dude”, she said pointing at her nose, “knows its wines”.

 

“What did the book say?”, Robert asked, trying to get the conversation back on track as they looked into rooms and empty hallways. The building was bigger than expected on the inside. “And no Demons for dummies jokes this time”.

 

Joseph nursed his chin, thinking, “My memories of that are mostly blurred out, but the contents covered the basics you’d imagine you’ll find in that kind of thing: fixing lives, recovering lost loves and erasing past mistakes. The perfect future at the cost of your immortal soul, and some fresh cow blood. I was… really drunk”.

 

Robert didn’t even want to know. Memo to self, he thought, never let Joseph get drunk or else he’ll bring the Apocalypse unto us.

 

“We’re here”, Joseph said entering a spacious room with an altar in the middle. Mary and Robert followed him into the darkness, their flashlights doing little to illuminate the stone walls, as if their artificial light was useless against the ominous shadows engulfing colors and shapes.

 

Robert got his lighter out, its small flame doing a better job that the flashlights, and lighted the candles on the altar when Joseph signaled him to them. On the altar, seemingly made of ivory, was an old book. Robert noted it wasn’t covered in dust.

 

“Did you bring that here?”, Mary asked. Robert and Joseph looked at each other and then at her, confused looks on their faces. “Last time I saw it; it was on a shelf at our place. Thought it was something of a joke, so I left it there”.

 

“You pretty much saw a cheap copy of the Necronomicon and left it there?”, Robert asked, snorting.

 

“If I’m not going to judge Damien for his Naruto fanfiction, much less was I going to judge my husband for some Lovecraft fan stuff. At least until everything went to shit”.

 

Joseph tried to maintain his composure, “ignoring… whatever Damien likes to have as reading options, was that how you knew what to do?”

 

“Kinda”, she wondered, “I read something about blood and the marking Robert passes as a tattoo, which I know he got because of you”.

 

“Keep going that way and this is going to become even more awkward, of possible”, Robert added, inspecting the book. He felt the Christiansen duo looking intently at him, so he spoke referring to Joseph, “matching tats, no big deal”.

 

“It got the job done”, Mary added arching an eyebrow.

 

“It’s a protection seal”, Joseph explained, “I was supposed to get one on every each of you, kids and all, but lost myself after using what was left of my will to cover Robert”.

 

“Great prioritizing, darling”.

 

“Mary, please”.

 

“Oh shut up you two”, Robert bit out, “what do we do now?”

 

Joseph shrugged.

 

Great.

 

“Burn it, for all we care. Isn’t fire some kind of special element or something?”, Mary wondered, “or maybe we could pour all of Robert’s blood all over the pages”.

 

“No”, said Robert and Joseph in unison.

 

Joseph opened the book, with Mary and Robert reading above his shoulders, looking for something, anything, that worked as a lead to show them what to do. Robert thought he’d stick to cryptids, they were less magical and much more easy to deal with in the aftermath. It’s not like one could call the CIA because the souls of Hell decided to make the living realm a visit.

 

Maybe.

 

He would lose nothing trying, someday.

 

“Here”, said Joseph, his finger in the middle of a page covered in drawings and an almost illegible writing. “So, we already banished the demon, something I didn’t really expect, but with my contract, I apparently weakened the barriers keeping some dark force locked up in this book”.

 

“What were the terms of the contract?”, Robert asked.

 

“That’s something only my drunken mind will ever know”.

 

“So what? We kill a virgin or what?”, Mary inquired.

 

“Or we could let people deal with their shit and keep going with our lives”, Robert offered.

 

“You’re both terrible people”, said Joseph.

 

“Takes one to know one”, Mary added. “Maybe we should leave this here were no one can find it”, she said gesturing to the book, “so no one messed with it even more, right?”.

 

Robert frowned, “you said it was at you place, and now it’s here. Don’t think this shit will stay put if we leave it here hoping it hasn’t forgotten his manners”.

 

Joseph closed the book and set his hands on the cover, deep in thought. “We need to reinforce the holy barriers”, he said as he reached for his backpack, taking out the bottle of holy water, a crucifix and his Bible.

 

“Are you really going to exorcise a book?”, Mary asked, “A book? Do you have any idea of what you’re going to do?”.

 

“Not a clue”, Joseph said with a weak smile, “I’m not even supposed to do this but… But what the Hell. It works in the movies and it’s not like I’m going to Heaven anyways”.

 

What the Hell, indeed.

 

Joseph poured one third of the content of the bottle over the book as he started praying. Mary and Robert stood behind him, with nothing much to add besides uncomfortable looks around the room. Nothing happened for a while, until a little flame appeared over the cover, screeched, and disappeared as fast as it had come.

 

Only ashes remained.

 

When Joseph tried to open the book, it resisted. Robert tried to move it and it wouldn’t budge. Before Mary had a chance to get close to it, not like she wanted to, the lights of the mausoleum turned on.

 

“So, that’s it?”, Joseph asked to no one in particular.

 

“You’re the one supposed to know”, Robert said, taking a couple of steps to the exit. Outside, he didn’t find hallways nor empty and dusty room, instead he directly found the cemetery. Neither of them commented on that fact, perfectly happy to call it a night.

 

“You’re sleeping on our couch”, Mary said to Robert as he drove. Joseph said nothing.

* * *

 

Robert was the first to fall asleep.

 

Mary and Joseph sat on the same couch their friend was sleeping on, both at each extreme of it. Mary cradled Robert’s head in her lap while Joseph dealt with his feet, trying to not look very envious of her.

 

The children were sleeping too, as Damien thankfully took care of everything before they had come back home.

 

“Why did you lie?”, Joseph asked, “you knew I was drunk. I don’t get drunk”.

 

“I’d rather deal with that right now than you having sex with one of your actually drunk coworkers”.

 

“Hmm”.

 

“I’m moving with Damien in two days”.

 

“Thought you’d want to stay with Rob”.

 

“Better to stay away from everything for a while, get better and shit. Robert is still a big part of this mess”.

 

“… I guess. What about the children?”.

 

“Please, they’d be better off without me. But I’ll visit as much as I can, it’s not like I’m leaving the neighborhood yet.

 

“Yet”.

 

“Can’t stay with Damien forever”.

 

“I should be the one to go, I’ll stay on the ya-“.

 

“No, Joseph. You are a cheating asshole and were possessed by a demon and still ended up being the better parent”.

 

“Mary, please, you don’t give yourself enough credit”.

 

“… I’ll go to my first AA meeting next week”.

 

“Oh, oh! That’s great, honey. You’re going to get better, we’re going to get better. Maybe…”.

 

“I do hope you get better too, Joe, I do, but there isn’t an _us_ anymore”.

 

“So… This is it?”.

 

“You did read the papers I gave you, didn’t you?”.

 

“Yeah…”.

 

“Then yes, this is it”.

 

Neither of them managed to sleep that night.

 

Robert kept snoring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that's not how exorcisms work. That's not how any of this works. But what the hell, they are tired and their life as they know it is over. They still have their old issues to deal with, which is going to be Fun (tm).
> 
> The more I look at this, the more I feel I deserve death.


	3. the one where Robert's mind tries to sort things out before he realizes that he shouldn't have done that so fast

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They're all to blame for stuff that got more complicated than it should, but it's never to late to try and fix things even if the only way left for them to go is away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, there's going to be more supernatural things happening in the future but feelings got in the way because they're much more important than plot and one of out three protagonist, apparently.

It’s 3 AM again.

 

His phone doesn’t ring.

 

His head does.

 

Sleeping on a couch is uncomfortable, but nothing new.

 

Trying to sleep on a couch while people were screaming behind him, was.

 

He sits up.

 

This is not his couch.

 

This is not his house.

 

“I hate you!”, he hears Chris shout, somewhere.

 

This is not his problem.

 

He stands up nonetheless.

 

* * *

 

 

Robert woke up to find a mess.

 

Everything was clean, of course, Joseph wouldn’t have his house another way. But his family? That was something else for sure.

 

The screaming led him to the kitchen. Mary and Joseph were fighting, not with each other but with their eldest kid, Chris.

 

Robert liked to believe he knew the kid well enough, even if the twins were much more fun to be with, and seeing him red faced and angry was not something one encountered every day. He kept his mouth shut anyways, that was not his problem.

 

“This is your fault”, Chris said, pointing to Robert. Mary and Joseph looked over their shoulders, apparently surprised by his presence.

 

Maybe it was his problem.

 

Maybe _he_ was the problem.

 

Maybe he was neither drunk nor sober enough to deal with that.

 

He left the house without looking back, ignoring both Joseph and Mary calling for him. When he got home, he slept.

 

Something, someone, woke him up the following day.

 

“Mary told me what happened”, Val said.

 

Robert did not expect her to care enough to come back for him.

 

“How much did she say?” he asked, his throat sore. The tale Val shared had none of the demon catching action and all of the cheating asshole drama, with some son hating parents on top.  Chris had heard a conversation Robert had been too tired to care about and was now blaming Joseph and him for what they did.

 

He was right to do so, Robert thought, way to go Smalls. You couldn’t just ruin your own kid’s life but had to go and ruin another’s.

 

“Get up, old man. Mary needs our help moving her and the kids’ things”.

 

“She keeping all four of them?”

 

“Just Chris and the baby”.

 

He couldn’t picture the twins away from Joseph, if he was being honest. He couldn’t picture them with himself either. Nor with Val.

 

“Why are you here?”, asked Robert.

 

“Didn’t I just say? Mary-“

 

“ _Here_ here”.

 

Robert hadn’t gotten up at that point, but he had sat up. He noticed he wasn’t wearing any shoes, but he knew he had fallen into bed with them on his feet. Val sat at his side and sighed, maintaining her distance.

 

“You made quite a mess, again”.

 

“… Yeah”.

 

“And I did promise myself to come back only after you’d gotten your shit together, dad”.

 

“… Yeah, I know”.

 

“But that was stupid of me”.

 

“… See now, this is where we disagree”.

 

“If you blame yourself for everything that happened, then you can eat your own shit”.

 

He felt a little bit prouder of her at that moment.

 

She continued, “I needed my time and my space, but if I wanted things to be right between us, there had to be an _us_ first, dad. If we want things to be right with anyone, there has to be an _us_ , we can’t just leave and wait for things to sort themselves out in a way that’s convenient for us”.

“Sometimes I doubt you’re my daughter”.

 

“I doubted it too, before”.

 

That hurt. Like Hell.

 

Still, Robert couldn’t blame her.

 

“But I can finally understand why mom always said I was just like you. Stubborn and self-deprecating, with a side of self-sabotage to serve as the cherry at the top of our cheap ice-cream. But well intentioned to a fault. I highly doubt you wanted to fall in love with your best friend’s husband”.

 

“Ex-husband”.

 

“Soon, but not yet”. Val seemed to ponder on something before letting herself fall on the bed. She seemed tired and rightfully so, as dealing with family stuff was not a very Small thing to do. No pun intended, though Robert as he snorted at nothing. “I guess moving Mary’s shit can wait a couple of minutes, or hours”.

 

Robert laid down by her side, “or the rest of my life”, he said before closing his eyes.

 

Someone knocked on his door. They ignored the sound until whoever dared to disturb them apparently gave up, only to open the door and come in. “Whatever you do”, Robert screamed, “don’t touch my fucking whiskey”.

 

“Move your ass, Small!”. It was Mary. Speak of the Devil… And there was a train of thoughts that Robert didn’t want to follow, at all. Her footsteps could be hear coming up the stairs, and it took her seconds to appear at the bedroom’s door. “Family moment?”, she asked raising an eyebrow and setting one hand over her hip.

 

“If you could call a conversation with my father that, yeah”, Val answered as she stood up and got out of the place.

 

Robert followed suit, holding his head as he straightened his back. Mary pointed at his nightstand, there were a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on it. He swallowed them dry with practiced motions and mentally thanked whoever could hear him up there for his daughter.

 

After a couple of seconds, he realized he was alone with his best friend, who also was still married to the man whose dick he rode not so long ago and whose body had a demon they both helped him get rid of.

 

It was going to be anything but an easy conversation, if any of them dared to speak at all.

 

“I agree with Chris”, Mary spoke, crossing her arms and frowning. Robert couldn’t blame her for that, but he noted she wanted to say more, “Joe and you are to blame for this mess, but so am I, just as much. We all fucked up, Rob”.

 

“And it took us dealing with the Devil and almost dying to finally do something about it”, Said Robert with a sneer, “what does that say about us?”

 

Mary laughed and Robert thought that, in another time and place, the three of them could have had a better chance at everything, maybe even together. He loved her, in his own way, and he was sure Joseph still did, but she deserved much more. And Robert wanted to think that they all deserved more than what they had.

 

“Nothing good, but hey, at least Neil will always have a place for us”, she said. Mary started walking in direction to the stairs, but slowed her pace when she couldn’t hear Robert following her, “c’mon Smalls, I haven’t got all day”.

 

When he reached her, Robert put an arm around her shoulder. Her body against his was a comfortable and familiar sensation, and her head resting on his shoulder was a welcomed weight. “You’ll always have a place wherever I am, you shithead”.

 

“Funny, Joseph said the same, sans your very original terms of endearment, and it feels like a lie just as when he said it”. They were in his porch now, walking at the same rhythm. Robert kept silent, waiting for her to continue if she was going to.

 

She wasn’t, and every second that followed her words made them hurt more.

 

He could have walked away.

 

Mary could have walked away.

 

Joseph could have stopped or simple could have controlled himself. Or walked away.

 

And yet, they held on to each other.

 

Robert knew he loved them, in different but potent ways that made his heart feel like it bled every conscious moment of his. He couldn’t stop Mary from walking away now, because if they wanted to even look at the other in the eyes and keep loving them after all of this, they would have to learn to love themselves first.

 

And he wondered about doing the same.

 

Of course, they all had to think about the kids, but Robert believed the sooner they went through everything, the sooner they would get over it. The youngest on, Chrish, wouldn’t remember a damn thing by the time everything sorted itself out.

 

And, honestly, if Val wanted to be a part of his life after all of Robert’s mistakes, then Joseph and Mary had nothing to worry about. It wasn’t in him to be the optimist in any scenario, but Robert embraced the chance of a future where everything fell into place just right.

 

Even himself, at Joseph’s side.

 

Still, they had a long way to go before that.

 

And maybe more obstacles to overcome, of the out-of-this-world kind. Not that Robert had a way to know that then.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlike Robert's soul, I'm alive. Happy Halloween.

**Author's Note:**

> Stay tuned for more trash where these idiots deal with reality and probably end up hunting spirits, cryptids or both.
> 
> Fuck y'all, Mothman is 101% real.


End file.
